I became obsessed with interpreting dreams about 7 or so years ago, because I had this dream:
I was walking to my Lovey's house (I've known her since we were 15), and the ground was covered with thick snow. Before I got to the door, I saw a frozen baby in the snow. Frozen blue. Lovey and her kids came outside to greet me, but the first thing I said to her was, "Lovey, look! There's a frozen baby!" Lovey waved it off and said, "Oh yeah, that happens." "Lovey, we need to get her inside and wrap her in a blanket and put her by the fireplace!" "Oh, don't worry about it. It's fine. This kind of thing just happens."
What I learned was that both the baby and Lovey were representations of me.
A crucially vital part of myself that needs constant nurturing was being utterly neglected.
My fear of looking at the 'frozen baby', as it were, compelled my conscious, p…
When I start to feel guilty about sleeping till 2pm, I remind myself, "I gave birth 4 times."
If I ever feel guilty that I've been off the grid for while- unemployed- I tell myself, "Oh, yeah, that's right. I grew 4 human beings inside of my body for a cumulative of 36 months- 3 YEARS OF MY LIFE."
At times when I feel bad that I've been letting Matt support me in this time, my inner-wisdom says to me, "Hey, Ashley, Sugar Pie... You got fat and got stretch marks carrying his children. He'll be juuuuuust fine."
Whenever I am bugged that I have to take Zoloft, I'm all, "Well, of course, I am taking Zoloft! I pushed 4 8-lb children out of my body! I pushed them out of me! Have I forgotten how small of an opening that is down there?! I'll be medicated for the trauma of that for years and years to come!"
Occasionally, when I decide to not fold laundry or clean the kitchen, I'm sure to think, "Besides the breaking of…
MMT is a site I discovered about a year ago through a friend. I immediately bookmarked it. I'm ashamed to admit that I have only visited there a couple of times since then.
I had been kinda upset the past few days when I realized that soon it will be my 3rd birthday since the divorce, and it will be the 3rd birthday since the divorce that I have been 'stuck' with all of my kids, because their dad will not be in the same town for one reason or another. I mean, if there is EVER a day that I am ENTITLED to some 'Me' time...
Then this morning, on a whim, I decided to revisit MMT.
Yesterday I woke up around 9. And from the minute my feet hit the floor, the anxiety set in. It was Sunday. Ada would want to go to church.
I went about the morning not saying anything about it. I waited for her to bring it up, knowing that if the day went by without her or myself bringing it up, we wouldn't have to go to church... and I would feel like a heel.
I thought about going again. I thought about the previous Sunday. Oh, man. Those thoughts made bad feelings. I kept talking to myself in my head, I can't do it. I just can't do it. I can't. But you need to do it for Ada. She'll be so sad when you're putting her in bed tonight, and she realizes it's Sunday, and she missed church. You know she will. You've been through this before. But don't you remember last Sunday? It was awful! I was in hell! But you need to do it for Ada. She'll be so sad when you're putting her in bed tonight, and she realizes it's Sunday, …
So lately, meaning the past 2 or 3 days, I've been having thoughts like this:
I miss Cedar City. What the hell have I done? Maybe moving here was the wrong thing to do...
I've been a bit like a zombie.
There is an emotional reality to my life right now and a logical one. The emotional side of things is usually the stronger of two on Ashley Planet.
Emotional: The past 2 or 3 days, I have acutely felt the irony of having moved back into an old situation that I had moved on from.
Logical: This particular situation- living with Matt again, acting as stay-at-home mom to all 4 kids- is only temporary.
Last night, Matt and I went out for a bite. As we were driving to Chili's (shut up; it was happy hour) I said to Matt, "The past coupla days I've been feeling like this move was the wrong thing."
"Okay...elaborate on that," replies Matt.
"Nah," I reply.
Once we got to Chili's and I had begun to sip on a delish $4.50 margarita on the roc…
Guilt has been a prevalent topic for me this week. I find the topic of guilt absolutely compelling. Guilt is such a motivator for so many people, Mormon and non-Mormon alike. Guilt is what drove my ex-husband from the church months before he'd ever touched another man. Guilt is something I personally have not experienced at all in my journey away from the church.
After posting this a few days ago, I got an email from my mom. For the first time, she expressed her feelings about my 'leaving' the church. I'll just sum it up for you by saying she has mourned my departure from it. I don't ridicule her for this. I don't in any way want to invalidate or belittle her very real and deep emotions on this subject.
What I do want to bring up in my post today is a specific part of her email that I found fascinating:
She believes that Guilt is part of the reason I couldn't stand being in the church building on Sunday or set foot on the ground of Temple Square i…
It is Tuesday night. And I love my children. However, I am sitting in a shawerma joint without them. And crying. (FYI, usually when mom's cry, it's due to mommy guilt)
I love my children. But tonight my stress-o-meter was in the dark orange zone. I pulled Hana aside with a look of impending doom in my eyes, and said, "I gotta get outta here. I'm about to lose it. Please, do homework with Timothy and Ada, make them dinner, have Ada get in the shower, and put them to bed?"
I'm not gonna stress if not all those things have happened once I return. Because the point was for me to leave the premises.
I do love them, I promise. But I'm just a human being. I'm just one person, one human, one mortal... ON ZOLOFT NO LESS!
Thing is I know that I need to leave the home before I reach red. Before I reach the screaming/barking/fist-biting point. That is more damaging to them than me evacuating for the evening, which probably isn't really too damagi…